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EUROPE - Gillette, whose products include the Venus razor for women and the deodorant Right Guard, has decided to cease its European operations, citing poor sales in the region. Europeans across the continent have begun pondering what hygiene products they can now lie about using.

The company has been regarded as the top manufacturer of razors since the company's inception in 1901. In 1965, Gillette decided to begin European operations to better promote and distribute their products within that part of the world. It initially was a part of their global strategy, but after only selling 11 units of Right Guard in 35 years of business, they have finally decided to close down their European branch.

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Unconfirmed reports confirm that the French market played a pivotal role in this decision. The Venus razor for women never seemed to do well in the French market and the deodorant Right Guard has yet to be purchased by a single French customer.

The UK market also took much of the blame. The Braun Oral-B performance toothbrush has seen its sales virtually come to a halt. Sales have plummeted even after the strategic partnership in 1999 between Gillette and Align Technology, the makers of the Invisalign tooth-straightening method, tried to rally Brits with the "UK tooth decay, not okay" movement. Apparently the Invisalign method lost to the overwhelmingly popular, "Just let 'em rot, eh?" method.

Michael Eisner, CEO of Walt Disney and the man that made the decision to put Euro Disney in France, sympathized with Gillette.

"Never underestimate the pride of the French. These are people that measure the worth of a country by how many kinds of native cheese they have. The power of their xenophobia may only be matched only by the power of their body odor."

The French people could not be reached for comment, because they have all surrendered, are on strike or have retreated.

Gillette has now set its sites on the burgeoning market in the Middle East and has an entire line of razors ready to hit the shelves in Kabul, Afghanistan, following a US ass kicking of the Taliban, which requires all men to grow big bushy beards or face imprisonment.

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