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Thursday,
January 15, 2004
Source: Bush to unveil Osama capture in July A source close to the Bush administration today revealed that President Bush plans on capturing Osama bin Laden sometime around July in order to gain major momentum heading into November's presidential elections. Some political insiders say that this event could render the president nearly untouchable and could easily give Bush a landslide victory, catapulting him into a second term. Other campaign strategies will include: President Bush Projects that the sweeping changes will take approximately 5 minutes to accomplish and involve at least 6-7 phone calls. Although Bush has enjoyed a large approval rating for much of his term, he has lately been brought down by a slow economy and the lingering Iraqi war. Many Americans supported the President completely at the beginning of the war, but with Saddam eluding capture as well as an increase in American deaths, much of his support has started to wane. Weapons of Mass Destruction have yet to be found and new revelations this week by Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill state that Bush had been planning a sequel to his father's war since the beginning of his term. But just a quick as the public starts raising concerns, Saddam is nabbed and the economy starts to pick up its pace. Gas prices have also dropped. These occurrences are what first prompted many to suspect they were more than a coincidence. "So far Bush has been doing everything just right," stated Sean Watson, a moderate talk show host in Houston. "The economy was very shaky for the first part of his term. With that and the Iraqi war causing concern and many questions at home, he turns around, snatches Saddam up by his grey beard and sends the Dow Jones past 10,000. Just in time for the election year. Talk about timing. I can't wait until July." Making sure he didn't leave out anyone, geeks everywhere are enamored with the president's upcoming announcement on the future of the American space program. Bush seems to be covering every angle with his talk of Mars missions and a permanent settlement on the moon. Bush is apparently considering blending strategies and could possibly capture Bin Laden on Mars in a double-whammy PR move. Bush may also use his Patriot Act to label SCO a terrorist organization and snatch their Unix patent right from under them. That alone would guarantee complete geek support. Critics have already begun blasting the president, claiming waiting so long to capture such a dangerous man could prove costly with American lives. Supporters of the president have fended off this criticism, noting that these critics are nothing but terrorist supporters who don't know what they're talking about anyway. "George Bush is against terrorism. Therefore if you are against George Bush or anything that he does, then you must be pro-terrorism and therefore a terrorist yourself and crushed to death underneath the giant pile of Iraqi oil money that is accumulating in my vault. It's very logical, " said Dick Cheney in an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters. Another rumor has Bush being flown into Pakistan, released near Osama's cave and will capture the man himself with his bare hands, beating him with a rolled up copy of the US Constitution. All this to be captured on tape for an upcoming Fox special hosted by Geraldo Rivera. The July timing of the Osama capture would seem to be a perfect time for this phenomenal event to occur. Not only would the news stations completely slobber all over themselves to drive this news into the ground, the public would be lowering George's pedestal to the White House's hallowed ground just in time to pick up their ballots and give the president his electoral college hummer. Insiders believe that the capture event is completely staged and that Bin Laden was captured shortly after US forces arrived in Afghanistan. Since April, Bin Laden has actually been working out with the NBA's Washington Wizards in their attempt to fill the elusive power forward position. The whereabouts of Bin Laden has been kept a secret so as not to alert Amnesty International to his cruel treatment. For a man that is accustomed to success, playing for the Wizards is in direct violation of the Geneva Convention's restrictions on POW torture.
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