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Monday,
February 2, 2004
Alarming rise in mobile home fires following Super Bowl Boone, NC -- An alarming rise in mobile home fires has been reported in North Carolina and neighboring states. Authorities are blaming this incendiary trend on the unfavorable outcome of the New England Patriots' 32-29 victory over the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl. On a positive note, wife battering is down 17% from last year's post-Super Bowl numbers. Rumors of a "Yankee conspiracy" have already begun to surface causing many Carolinians to reform militias that haven't existed since the civil rights movement in the 1960's. Cletus T. Worrell, a leader of the "Boone, NC Minutemen" shared his thoughts on the Superbowl with the Wired Press. "I don't understand it. Our negroes should have been able to beat their negroes - especially with Delhomme and Ricky Proehl supervisin' those boys. It don't make a lick a' sense. Our negroes was bigger and stronger. Those damn Yankees jery-rigged the whole darn game. I gauran-goddam-tee that one of them Kennedy's was responsible for this. We shoulda finished them off." When asked why he was sporting a helmet made of tinfoil, Mr. Worrel responded, "Don't act like you don't know." Mr. Worrel went on to insist that the North just couldn't let the South have any kind of success, especially a Super Bowl. "And this isn't the first time this has happened. Look what they done to Billy Ray Cyrus. They was afraid of his power to seduce their women, so they done broke his career and his achy breaky heart." It seems as if Mr. Worrell is not alone in his frustration. In addition to a staggering 87% of mobile homes being set ablaze, fires also destroyed: - 4 Toyota Camrys
-Clark Brandon
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