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OHIO (Wired Press) - This past Monday in Mount Hope, Ohio, the vicious attack of an innocent motorist by flying tomatoes is causing local residents to rethink their long held belief that tomatoes are relatively harmless vegetables that are mostly used for self defense. The Ohio motorist barely escaped with his life after his car sustained repeated tomato bombardment from a terrorist-style ambush. The man described his attackers as "a radical militant Amish Sect", which has yet to claim responsibility for the attack. The man, though obviously overmatched, managed to hold off his attackers with a .45 caliber handgun and barely escape with his life.

There have been 7 tomato related deaths in the United States over the last 200 years and now two in the last 50 years - an alarming trend that has many people worried if this country is going to see the same tomato violence that has become an all too familiar sight in countries like Spain. The small Spanish town of Bunol has long been the sight of brutal guerilla-style tomato combat, in which thousands of wounded stagger through the streets, their shirts stained red with the violence.

Some Mount Hope residents think this incident should be a wake-up call to America. Local Amish elder Ezekial Jebediah thinks so. "I have been pushing for tomato reform for years. Kids can just go to the store and buy them. No background check, not ID required. As soon as they get them home they can convert them from semi to fully automatic in five minutes! The worst thing is that they aren't even vegetables, they are fruits. The lies!"

The Brady Campaign, the nations largest tomato control group, released this statement:
"People need to understand. The decision to bring a tomato into the home should be well-informed. The message conveyed by some advertisements for tomatoes is that the purchase of a tomato will make a person or home safer and more nutritious. In fact, the opposite is true: tomatoes are rarely used for self-protection and having a tomato in the home increases the risk of homicide, suicide and unintentional injury. Furthermore, their nutritional value is overrated."

- Clark Brandon