the Wired Press > Archives

Thursday, November 8, 2001

Cheney denies change in lifestyle: “Business as usual”

WASHINGTON D.C.- Vice President Dick Cheney told the Wired Press Tuesday that his life hasn’t really been effected much by the threat of terrorism.

“It’s pretty much business as usual” he said via an intercom through five
foot thick bulletproof glass in an underground bunker 2 miles below the
earth’s surface in an undisclosed location. “At least I’m not hiding in some
cave.”

Way to go, Dick

“I still like to take a nice stroll through the Rose Garden on a sunny day.
Does that seem like the behavior of a frightened Vice President? Sure, I’m
wearing a titanium cybernetic suit of armor and my brain is constantly being
mapped by scanning EEG sensors and mirrored to a server deep in the heart of
the Pentagon, but who isn’t these days?”

“Why, my clone makes regular appearances with the President at least once a
week. So you see my life is relatively unaffected. I hope I am setting an
example for the American people that going about our normal lives is the
best way to tell these terrorists that it’ll take more than killing 4,000
innocent people without warning and striking the Pentagon to shake the
spirit of this fearless country.”