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Taliq Al-Amini was defiant in his refusal to divulge the whereabouts of his al Qaeda brothers to US authorities after they had captured him in Kandahar. Experienced CIA operatives used a variety of mind tricks to break down the soldiers' façade of resistance with no success.

Downright confusing

This situation has been repeating itself all over Afghanistan as the fierce soldiers have continued to stonewall American authorities. Faced with this intelligence quandary, CIA Director George Tenet appealed to President George W. Bush for help. President Bush responded by sending a surprising operative, who through his sheer annoyance, was able to break down Al-Amini in a matter of minutes. That man was Dennis Miller.

Through an Arabic translator, Miller bombarded Al-Amini with a ten-minute diatribe that was so obscure and incoherent, that it drove the young man into convulsions. Afterwards, Al-Amini offered to tell authorities anything they wanted as long as they assured him that he would never have to see or hear Miller again.

CIA veteran Al Jenkins witnessed Miller's masterful charade: "He [Miller] set him up perfectly. His killer blow was when he tried to relate Osama bin Laden's beard to a little known Shakespeare text written in 1614. Al-Amini began to cry and begged Miller to be quiet but Dennis just kept on going until the suspect actually had a seizure. I've never seen anything like it."

Miller is now barnstorming around Afghanistan breaking down Taliban prisoners one by one. This unprecedented success is arguably the most startling advance in intelligence gathering since the advent of wiretapping.

In a recent 20/20 interview, President Bush explained how he came up with this idea, "A couple of weeks ago, I was in the Oval Office watching Real Sex on HBO. All of a sudden Dennis Miller Live comes on and he starts babbling on about God knows what and hell, I got downright confused. This was more than I could handle, so I decided to change the channel when I realized that I could not find the remote. Being too lazy to get up, I was forced to listen to his harangue for the next hour. At numerous points during this torture, I thought about how I would gladly sell my daughter's soul if somebody would only change the channel for me, and that's when it hit me. So, I called Dennis the next day and told him that either I would have him executed for crimes against humanity or he could serve his country. Needless to say, he chose the latter."

US officials have hailed Bush's move as ingenious and say that this move is also improving morale stateside as people can once again enjoy watching television free from intellectual confusion. Preliminary plans to send Carrot Top and Donny Osmond abroad are also being discussed within the state department as the United States continues to turn up the pressure on al Qaeda. By serving the dual purpose of ridding the US of nuisances and demoralizing our opposition, the Bush administration hopes that this new intelligence policy will bring us even closer to our inevitable victory over terrorism.

- Ryan Clancy