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Monday,
July 20, 2001
Heaven Full, God Raises Standards HEAVEN - The
longstanding rumors that Heaven was becoming overcrowded have been
confirmed by a press release early this morning. In the official
statement God
claims, "The recent rise in popularity of the 'Jews
for Jesus' movement has caused a lot of overcrowding, consequently
the cost of living in heaven has skyrocketed. We don't have enough
room and our power plants are overloaded. Something has to give."
According to a recent study, fewer than 1 in 10 residents of heaven are able to afford their own cloud. Some have sought controversial high interest loans from God. Thousands have been forced to default and declare bankruptcy after being laid off of their positions in an overcrowded choir. The recent failure of Heaven.com has not helped matters and saw the controversial firing of The Holy Ghost from his VP of All Things Holy position at the struggling dot com. According to God, "He just didn't fit in. His role has always been rather mysterious." The Holy Ghost has moved south to a waiting position at Satan.com, which is posting record revenues. Some of the new standards for entrance into heaven have experts puzzled. One requires that applicants be penitent, not drink Diet Pepsi, wear black Nike Cortez, own a cat, be over 5' tall and not a fan of Liberace. Another form asks the applicant: Please check the following that would best describe you: It has long been feared that heaven would begin to experience a
severe population explosion ever since Mormons stopped the practice
of polygamy. "We're not sure how that guy got in here in the first place actually, " responded St. Peter in an exclusive interview with WP. |
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