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SALT LAKE CITY, Utah - In what appears to be the biggest scandal to hit the fast food industry since the Hamburglar was arrested for embezzlement in 1993, Svetlana Navratalova, Ben Johnson and Mary Lou Ann Bobby Henton all tested positive for methamphetamines and anabolic steroids during a random drug test at an Olympic qualifier being held at Hamburger University, in Trenton Ohio.

Ben Johnson during time trials

Long standing rumors of performance enhancing drugs being employed by McDonalds elite food preparation team have finally been confirmed. All three athletes have been banned for life and have had their lifetime burger supply rescinded.

The worlds number one ranked athlete in Freestyle Fry Prep, Svetlana Navratalova, has vowed to shave her goatee off in protest to what she has alleged to be a Mormon plot. The muscular, 5’ 6”, 289 pound athlete released a statement early Tuesday.

“I have never used steroids in my life. And if anyone says I did I’m gonna twist their head off and crack their head open like a ripe melon. I’m so f*cking angry right now. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGHHHH!”

Anton Harvey, a patty flipper in Wendy’s #2 ranked burger relay team, wasn’t surprised at all by Mondays announcement.

“I’ve never seen anyone move as fast as Ben Johnson, since, well…Ben Johnson himself in the 1988 Olympics. Before one patty would even hit the grill he would flip another and push an apple pie and a Big Mac down the chute. I
knew something was wrong.”

Wheels, a member of Burger King’s Kids Club told the WP, “I never liked those
guys anyway. Mary Lou Ann would always lock the brakes on my wheelchair
when I wasn’t looking. One time she even smeared Vaseline on my handrails.
I’m glad she’s in the hospital.”

In what is shaping up to be a very trying week for once #2 ranked drive-through receptionist, Mary Lou Ann Bobby Henton, was hospitalized yesterday for near fatal case of acne. She collapsed during after a heavy training session, while emptying the grease traps. Although Mary is expected to make a full recovery, she will never be allowed to compete in international competition again. All three athletes plan to file an appeal with the current head of the IFFOC (International Fast Food Olympics Committee), Mayor McCheese.

- Clark Brandon