While still under investigation for alleged statutory rape, the R Kelly defense team today breathed a sigh of relief after the Supreme Court handed down its ruling on "virtual" child pornography. The musician is allegedly seen on videotape feeling more than just the booty of a teenage girl. Sources close to R Kelly have told the WP that he is extremely happy with the Supreme Court verdict and believes that it will set precedence in his case because the girl only looks 13, but is really "much, much older."

Did he taste the Forbidden Booty?

Up until today, there has been a complete denial from the Kelly camp, but that may soonchange. Kelly's lawyers have told the WP that they have decided to change it's initial defense and now say that the video is real, but it only depicts Kelly having sex with a girl who looks 13.

"The girl in the video is at least 18, not underage as you have seen on the news. Although this makes Kelly a 'virtual' pedophile, he cannot be prosecuted for his 'virtual' taste in blossoming lolitas," said Kelly's spokesman. "We believe that his engaging in sex with 'virtual' prepubescent teens is protected by his first amendment rights."

This is not the first time R Kelly has been hit with this type of scandal. In 2001, he was hit with a lawsuit alleging sex with a minor and was rumored to have married the now deceased singer Aaliyah when she was just 15. Also in 1998, Kelly settled a lawsuit out of court for $250,000 in another underage case and there are rumored to be many more on the horizon.

"Is it a coincidence that most of the allegations happened right before Mr. Kelly was set to sing at the Olympics? Someone is obviously trying to destroy his career. Although he may be a 'virtual' Chester Molester and may have 'virtually' no talent, he, too, is a human being," his spokesman added.

Sources have also told the WP that R Kelly has decided to take 2 songs off his next album. "If it bleeds it, it needs it" and "If there's grass on the field, play ball", although not known to be anything more than the usual street party jams, have been removed from the release for unrelated reasons.

In other news, the Pope has issued a statement condemning the actions of certain priests, but said we could probably write some of those off because they were "virtual" alterboys in most cases while. He then mumbled something about "Pat Morita and the f@$#ing liberal media" and proceeded to fall asleep.

 

Kobe Beef Injections - Consent optional