the Wired Press - Satire News

Peppered With Mistakes

Wired Press — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:22:31 +0000

Peppered With Mistakes

Customer: “Is that chicken?”

Me: “No, they are stuffed jalapeños.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s pork?”

Me: “No, it’s a stuffed jalapeño.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “A pepper.”

Customer: “Is that so?”

(The customer’s husband approaches and sees the stuffed jalapeños.)

Customer’s husband: “What is that?”

Me: “Stuffed jalapeños.”

Customer’s husband: “Oh, so it’s fish?”

Source: Peppered With Mistakes.

News Tags: jalapeño”, Mistakes Customer, “oh, “what’s, source

Front Page News: Through the Science Hole With Morgan Freeman

Wired Press — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:21:58 +0000

Through The Wormhole With Morgan Freeman recently began its second season on the Science Channel. Scientific programming is one of my secret vices and it's nearly impossible to dislike Morgan Freeman, so a "big question" series featuring tons of scientific all-stars seems like perfect fodder for a lazy Sunday afternoon. Or, in my case, a busy Friday or Saturday night.

Unfortunately, I get the feeling that Morgan Freeman's lack of formal scientific training comes through in his narration, bringing the overall credibility of the program down somewhat. You tell me if I'm being too harsh on the guy.

From the episode "Is There An Edge To The Universe?"

"The observable universe extends trillions of light years in every direction. There are more celestial bodies than we could possibly visit within a hundred thousand lifetimes. At some point, however, scientists believe there may be an edge to the universe, a point at which all that we know comes to an end. If such an edge exists, what lies beyond? Do you think there are other people out there, but much bigger? Do they want our gold? How long will it take to develop the man-vs-giant martial arts that will be necessary to protect ourselves?"

From the episode "The Riddle Of Black Holes"

"Black holes are formed when particularly heavy stars collapse in supernovas, creating regions from which nothing - not even light - can escape. One of science's biggest questions is what happens to the matter that enters a black hole. Nerds. There's no black hole on Earth so who the hell cares? Why think about anything that doesn't directly affect you the moment it's affecting you? Why spend money on the space program when there are problems on Earth? We should not do research on anything unless we know exactly what we're going to discover ahead of time."

From the episode "Is There Life After Death?"

"I heard this story about a guy that got buried because everyone thought he was dead, but then it turned out he got bit by some sort of rare lizard that makes people seem like they're dead. When he woke up he was in the coffin and after a while he died for real. The weird part? That lizard wasn't even the kind that made people seem like they were dead after all! Holy shit! If that's not enough of a confirmation for you, I don't know what is."

From the episode "Is Time Travel Possible?"

"What if it was possible to travel into the past? What would happen if you ran into your past self? Would the resulting paradox destroy reality as we know it or simply split your perceived reality into a new timeline? What if everything is a dream? What if everything outside your immediate senses doesn't actually exist? What if everyone else is just a creation of your mind? Why is my hand so heavy and large? When I hold it up in front of my face like this, why do I feel the urge to cry? What if, like, the entire universe was a molecule in another universe?"

From the episode "Dark Matter: Beyond The Darkness"

"In scientific terms, dark matter is the kryptonite of the real world. It doesn't hurt most people but if anything has like super strength or laser vision or can fly, dark matter will fuck it up good. Keep that stuff away from birds and the guy that played Cyclops in the X-Man movies."

From the episode "Are There More Than Three Dimensions?"

"There's a commercial that says there are something like thirty nine dimensions of compatability and that six out of ten relationships start online. If there are that many dimensions in online dating alone, imagine how many more dimensions are out there. Probably fifty, at least."

From the episode "Can We Live Forever?"

"AHAHAHAHA& HAHA! PFFFFFT. Haha. Yes."

From the episode "Can We Travel Faster Than Light?"

"It's quite possible that we already travel faster than light. The problem is that the tools we use to measure speed use light, so if the object we are observing with that tool moves faster than light, the light being used by that tool cannot possibly measure the object's speed."

From the episode "Who Won Secret World War II?"

"For many scientists, they don't even know if there was a secret World War II. They just thought there was the one everyone heard about. For the best scientists, however, they know all about secret World War II. I can't get anyone to talk about this on camera so the next 58 minutes will be my drawings of secret World War II, which have only recently been declassified. Please forgive my inability to draw chimeras. I can never remember which way the back knees bend."

- Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

This Week on Something Awful...

Source: Front Page News: Through The Science Hole With Morgan Freeman.

News Tags: Three Dimensions, Something Awful, Sony Pictures Studios, World War II, Helen Mirren

theolounge

This Customer Defies Natural Selection

Wired Press — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:24:38 +0000

This Customer Defies Natural Selection

Me: “Do you have any questions or need any samples?”

Customer: “I do have a question on this tile in here.”

(The customer shows me a natural stone travertine that has a lot of variation through it.)

Customer: “I love the look of this tile. Can I just get this tile pattern on this one tile? I don’t like these other ones.”

Me: “Sir, natural stone varies, so no two tiles will look alike. You will get the same colors generally, but not the exact same pattern. You can see the change in the other tiles next to it. They are actually all the same tile.”

Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Tile doesn’t vary. You can make it look however you want. I saw it on TV. That ‘how to make stuff’ show.”

Me: “Sir, this is a natural material made by nature. I have no control over what patterns and colors come out of the mountain.”

Customer: “Well, you should talk to your supplier about that. This is just ugly. I hate natural stone.”

Source: This Customer Defies Natural Selection.

News Tags: “i, variation, “sir, question, natural stone travertine, here”

News Report on Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful for Its Brevity

Wired Press — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 20:26:16 +0000

KHAWHEABAD, AFGHANISTAN—A 300-word article describing a nighttime attack on civilians that was carried out using white phosphorous charges and bayonets was given additional impact and emotional resonance by virtue of its brevity, sources close to the story's reporters confirmed Monday. Use of plain facts, such as the number of civilians killed in the incident, the simple mention of the extremely high temperature at which white phosphorous burns and of its tendency to adhere to human flesh, and the stark observation that most of the survivors were orphaned children under 14 years of age, lent the piece an almost unendurable weight. Furthermore, sources confirmed that the article's brief description of an elderly woman cradling an infant was made more powerful by its terseness, allowing readers to fill in the missing details with their own vivid imaginations. At press time, it was not known whether a similarly emotionally desolate and devastating follow-up feature would eventually run.

Source: News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity.

News Tags: stark observation, brevity, nighttime attack, word, devastating follow-up feature

Supercomputer Fails to Translate Palin Emails Into English

Wired Press — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:22:46 +0000

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Hours after the state of Alaska released 24,199 emails written by Sarah Palin during her tenure as Governor, a celebrated supercomputer created by IBM failed to translate the messages into English.

IBM computer scientists who work in the company’s language recognition lab were initially optimistic that Watson, the computer that rocketed to fame as a contestant on television’s “Jeopardy” game show, would have no problem cracking the code of Gov. Palin’s gubernatorial emails.

But the scientists grew concerned when Watson stalled after five hours of nonstop processing and billows of smoke began to emanate from the supercomputer’s vents.

Finally, Watson issued a terse “ERROR” message, reading, “Not a recognizable language.”

An IBM spokesman said that while Watson had failed in his mission, there was probably not a great wealth of information in the emails to begin with: “From a total of 24,199 emails, 24,195 of them were out-of-office autoreplies.”

For her part, Gov. Palin seemed unfazed by the news, using a stop on her bus tour to blast Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY): “In Paul Revere’s day, he had to ride from door to door to show people his penis.”

In another setback for the GOP presidential field, one day after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit en masse, they released a brief statement explaining their actions: “We all simultaneously realized he was a douche.”

Mr. Gingrich’s former staff would not divulge their precise location, but are rumored to be hiding somewhere in Pakistan.

Despite the mass defection, Mr. Gingrich remained upbeat today, announcing that he would replace his entire staff with imaginary friends.

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Source: Supercomputer Fails to Translate Palin Emails into English.

News Tags: bus tour, after, celebrated, supercomputer, spokesman said that

A Whole New Grade of Stupidity

Wired Press — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:23:29 +0000

A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity

(An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you 18 points.”

Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of 60 is not 18.”

Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

Me: “Why is that?”

Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

Source: A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity.

News Tags: whole, late, stupidity, it’s, late penalty cost, complain, “yes

Son of Edward R. Murrow Says Father 'Real Dirtbag' Compared to Onion Reporters

Wired Press — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 08:22:46 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—In an exclusive interview Tuesday, Internet executive Paul Murrow admitted that his revered journalist father, Edward R. Murrow, was a real dirtbag and a huge piece of garbage compared to the brave and tireless reporters at The Onion. “There's no comparison,” said the 58-year-old Murrow, his voice quivering as he expressed praise for the hard work and unflappable commitment to reportage exhibited by the entire Onion staff. “He was a good man, a great father, and a fantastic journalist, but compared to what The Onion does every day, he was a leaky pail of shit. I can't believe I looked up to him. Why couldn’t someone from The Onion have been my father?" Murrow added that he'd like nothing more than to rename his father's namesake journalism award to “The Onion Prize,” but said there could never possibly be an applicant worth bestowing The Onion name upon.

Source: Son Of Edward R. Murrow Says Father 'Real Dirtbag' Compared To Onion Reporters.

News Tags: internet executive, exclusive, internet, tireless reporters, entire onion staff, reporters

Comedy Goldmine: Mythical Celebrity Creatures!

Wired Press — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 20:23:36 +0000

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A month or so ago, when the "LADIES, call me ..." craze was sweeping the nation, Twitter all-star (the good kind, not the Smash Mouth kind that doesn't eat eggs) AGentleBrees wrote "LADIES--- call me High-Concept Tumblr Blog because you'll love me but be real embarrassed when you see me at Barnes & Nobel in like 8 months." Well, forums poster ruggala has a Tumblr, and it's probably many, many months away from book form, so love it while it lasts! Truthfully, "mythical creature" seems like a pretty fancy description for Photoshops that are basically "take a celebrity, add a thing and add another thing," but whatever, the SA Goons had some fun with this theme!

Clockspider: I humbly request Nic Cage + barn owl + ventriloquist's dummy.

ruggala

Ozz81

The Corporate: Michael Moore + Slow Loris + the USS Abraham Lincoln

burntpork

R.S. Gumby

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Next page »

Source: Comedy Goldmine: Mythical Celebrity Creatures!.

News Tags: barn owl, page source, Mythical Celebrity Creatures, Michael Moore, smash mouth

Republicans Propose Replacing Social Security With Groupons

Wired Press — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 08:22:48 +0000

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Presenting what he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.

“Instead of waiting each month for a check from Social Security, America’s elderly will receive valuable Groupons for everything they need, from Ramen noodles to cat food to caskets,” Mr. Ryan said in an appearance on Fox News.

Adding that Groupons would also help provide for elders’ medical needs, the congressman illustrated his point by holding up a Groupon offering 30 percent off on open-heart surgery in Cincinnati.

Moving on from Social Security, Mr. Ryan also proposed replacing Medicare with a new program in which seniors are shot at by Predator drones.

Additionally, Mr. Ryan said, in his new budget so-called “friends with benefits” would lose their benefits.

“If they’re really friends, they should be satisfied if the evening ends with a voucher,” he said.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: “Preachers like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen.”

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Source: Republicans Propose Replacing Social Security with Groupons.

News Tags: replacing, harold camping, debt, Ramen noodles, friends with benefits, medical needs, everything they need from

Slate V: Bam Margera Enraged by Roger Ebert's Tweet About Ryan Dunn's Death

Wired Press — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 20:23:25 +0000

CHANNELS

PODCASTS

DID YOU SEE THIS?

Visit SLATE

Source: Slate V: Bam Margera Enraged by Roger Ebert's Tweet About Ryan Dunn's Death.

News Tags: PRIVACY POLICY Source, enraged, washington post, source, ryan

the Wired Press - Satire News

Peppered With Mistakes

Peppered With Mistakes

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