WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Presenting what he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.
“Instead of waiting each month for a check from Social Security, America’s elderly will receive valuable Groupons for everything they need, from Ramen noodles to cat food to caskets,” Mr. Ryan said in an appearance on Fox News.
Adding that Groupons would also help provide for elders’ medical needs, the congressman illustrated his point by holding up a Groupon offering 30 percent off on open-heart surgery in Cincinnati.
Moving on from Social Security, Mr. Ryan also proposed replacing Medicare with a new program in which seniors are shot at by Predator drones.
Additionally, Mr. Ryan said, in his new budget so-called “friends with benefits” would lose their benefits.
“If they’re really friends, they should be satisfied if the evening ends with a voucher,” he said.
Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: “Preachers like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen.”
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Source: Republicans Propose Replacing Social Security with Groupons.
Tags: proposed, John Boehner, new program, open heart surgery
fox news is a "news" agency that creates biased stories to support the conservative government basically. (news is in quotes because you can't call that news.)
Thanks for the comments Charles! You're the best! When I initially read that story, I must confess I thought it was true. Then I saw this part of the story: "As to whether Mr. Jonas' bride agreed with his "that's it?" assessment, Mr. Jonas remarked, "That's what she said." That's too over the top to be true.
I was not aware of the Borowitz Report, but have since become aware of it. I just sort of wanted to work in that Jonas Brothers' story because it is the most amusing thing that's been generated by the whole Jonas Bros' franchise.
Obviously most of the UK’s mountain landscape is a product of years of land management, animal grazing tree felling etc etc yadda yadda but the environment that exists on the Cairngorms, above about 900 meters (ignoring the railway!) is semi artic tundra and isn’t really a by-product of our actions.
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I've heard Paul Ryan say this, but his political actions don't mimic the views of Ayn Rand in the slightest. He voted for TARP, the bailouts, and has done many other things that over the course of his career that are incongruous with objectivism so I wouldn't use objectivism to attack Paul Ryan or vice versa. I think Paul Ryan is merely an opportunist that drops Rand's name in order to connect with a certain demographic.